How to Miss Without Missing out This Holiday Season

It’s a known fact that the holidays are always tough when you’ve lost someone close to you; and even if they are just in a different state, we miss those we can’t physically be with. We almost can’t help but long to be with the ones we love this time of year. I swear it’s built into us!

Every time Thanksgiving or Christmas rolls around I feel like I am faced with these questions:

‘How do I remember who is missing without missing out on who is here?’

‘Is it possible to be thankful or joy-filled while still grieving?’

‘Will the holidays ever be the same?’

I am by no means an expert on grief, loss, or anything of the sort; but this is a topic that is super close to me. Through losing my Mom fourteen years ago, saying hello and goodbye to our sweet Savannah five years ago, and then miscarrying Ellis this past Summer, my heart has had to learn what it’s like to live through the holidays with that ever-present ache for something and someone more. While grief is definitely different for everyone, I believe that ache is the constant, and something we’ve all felt at one point or another.

‘How do I remember who is missing without missing out on who is here?’

I could probably have written an entire blog post on this question alone, but I’ve narrowed it down to five simple ways you can remember those you are missing this holiday season.

1. Speak their name- One of the best ways to remember those we’ve lost is to keep their memory alive. Share of the sweet moments you shared or a funny memory from the past holidays. Share about how thankful you are for them or their influence/impact on your life. I know for me, as a loss Mom, nothing makes my heart swell more than when I can share about my girls or when others speak their names.
2. Keep the tradition- If there was something special you did with your loved one during the holidays, keep it up. Again, only do what feels right for you in this season. This has been something that can be super hard at times for me, but I’ve also found great joy in this as well. I always make my Mom’s sweet potato casserole recipe, and continue to hang Savannah’s stocking (we’ll add Ellis’ this year too) Anything that you can do to bring back those special memories can definitely help with the healing.
3. Allow the emotions to surface- This is by far the most difficult I believe. When everyone around you is so happy, you of course don’t want to be the one upset. But it’s ok. Don’t force yourself to dwell on who is missing, but when thoughts of them surface, give yourself the grace to remember and allow yourself the time to work through whatever emotions that moment surfaced. As hard as this feels, this is honoring them!
4. Include others- As years pass, you are inevitably going to spend these special times of year with new friends or family members. I’ve found that including others in your grief can be incredibly helpful. Whether its sharing a loved ones favorite recipe, holiday song, or tradition, this can be the perfect way to bring everyone together. Be open and share what is helpful for you, I promise people will listen and will do whatever it is that you need to be comforted.
5. Miss but don’t miss out- Grief has a tendency to want to isolate us, to make us feel like we’re alone, or that we’re more comfortable when we are alone. As difficult as this one is, don’t miss out just because you are missing. Choose to be present with those who are here and choose to remember those who aren’t. It is a balancing act for sure, but one that I believe you will be happy you attempted.

‘Is it possible to be thankful or joy-filled while still grieving?’

Just sharing from my heart and experiences with loss; I do believe it is possible to be both grateful and grieving. I’ve shared about this a bit in the past, when I wrote about joy. The biggest thing I will say is that it has to be a choice. Being thankful and joy-filled after losing a loved one, especially during the holidays, in my experience is not going to come naturally. It will be a fight, a choice that you will probably have to continue to choose daily and maybe even multiple times throughout a day sometimes. And that’s ok!

‘Will the holidays ever be the same?’

This one tugs at my heartstrings and every part of me wants to give you a fluffy, feel good answer, but I won’t. Loss changes us, and in turn touches every single part of our lives. So, no. The holidays won’t ever be the same, but it doesn’t mean they can’t still be filled with some of your greatest memories! I have found that the harder I try to keep things the same, the more unfulfilled I am. True joy has come only when I’ve allowed my losses to transform our holidays and shape them into something new.

I so wish, more than anything, that I could fill the void in each of our hearts this holiday season. But I also take great comfort in the fact that I know I’m not alone in missing someone(s) a little extra these next few months. It’s ok to miss, just try your best not to miss out on what’s in front of or beside you this holiday season.

I’m remembering and celebrating your loved ones with you!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!