And If Not, He's Still Good

A few months ago, we saw those prayed-for double pink lines, the darkest I've ever experienced. I was literally overflowing in that moment with JOY... pure joy, and even in disbelief I couldn't wait for our little blessing! My heart SO wants this to be a different type of announcement; it actually aches for it to be, however that is not the story God has written for us at this time.

It is with the heaviest heart that we share that while we were expecting, sadly we miscarried. A month ago today, we went in for what most would consider just a procedure, but for us it was our sweet baby's birthday. We decided to do genetic testing afterwards and through that we learned that we have another little girl!

Ellis June Hurtley

Ellis means "the Lord is my God" and is also the square in Savannah, Georgia where the kids can splash around in the fountains. Those of you who have followed our journey know how special Savannah is to us, so we thought it only fitting to tie the two together. June is simply her birth month, and for that reason it will forever hold a special place in our hearts. 

There truly aren't words to describe all of our emotions these last few months, and to be quite honest I'm not sure I've even begun to scratch the surface of most of them. We have been praying to be pregnant for over a year, and just knowing that we now have two girls in Heaven is enough to make this Mama really wrestle with God (and believe me, I definitely have!)

I am thankful through all of this though that we do serve a God who calls us to come as we are; broken, confused, sad, discouraged, lost, angry, you name it. Psalm 56:8 has been at the forefront of my mind since Ellis. It says-

"You keep track of all my sorrows,
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book."

There is something so comforting to me knowing that the Lord keeps track of all my sorrows, and even goes as far as to collect my tears in a bottle and record each one in His book. The same book that He has written all of Ellis' days.

"Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139:16

Sometimes it is hard to be transparent and let our emotions surface when faced with grief. Yet, the Lord knows. He sees each tear that falls. This honestly shook me when I let that sink in. I'm a crier, so the idea of ALL my tears in a bottle is something I won't ever forget. 

I never realized that you could feel multiple emotions at the same time until now, after losing both Savannah and Ellis. It's bittersweet, and a wrestle of anger and peace, that I think this side of Heaven I'll always have. We are so crushed and our arms ache and yet there is this peace knowing we will see them both again. 

I wanted to write because miscarriage is so common and yet is still something so few people talk about. While I definitely know I'm personally not ready to dive all the way down into those deep emotions just yet, I at least wanted to open the door a bit, share this part of our story, and tell you all about our precious Ellis June! I am a Mama of three now and will always say that moving forward. 

A special thank you to all of those who have walked with us these last few months and for all of your prayers as we continue to work and process through our loss.

I am so thankful for each of you!